Posted by: thatjen | May 19, 2006

What IS it with me and the Feds anyway?

Natalie and I were enjoying a late breakfast, as is our custom — which is to say, I was making my toast and nursing her in a sling — when there was a knock at the front door this morning. Assuming it was one of my neighbors, I opened the door without looking, and was somewhat surprised to discover a nondescript gentleman in a three-piece suit with a notebook in his hand. “You look busy,” he said, “but I’m from the FBI and we’re doing a background check on one of your former neighbors who used to live next door.” Envisioning a VERY awkward interview with the baby at the boob, I tried to dodge the bullet, truthfully saying that the same people had lived next door to us since we moved in. As I spoke, Natalie progressed from calmly eating to fussy head-bobbing. I made no effort to hide the breast-wrangling as I tried to help her get going again. The agent seemed undeterred and proceeded to explain that the person in question was the daughter of our current neighbors, and had indeed lived there in the time we had been next door. Desperate, I told him — again, completely honestly — that I really didn’t know her. As Natalie wailed helpfully and I flapped my mammary in his general direction, he finally conceded that I probably wouldn’t be able to help much, thanked us, and went on his way. Phew.

But really, first the IRS and now the FBI. Who’s next?


  1. That’s hilarious. Nothing like a little boob flapping to get rid of the feds.

  2. Maybe you should try the same tactic with the IRS…..

    If Homeland Security shows up then we’re all going to start to wonder about you two.

  3. I have to tell you, I would have FREAKED out that the FBI was at my door. I really am paranoid lately.

  4. Maybe he wasn’t REALLY form the FBI, but a friend of the repairman…

  5. Those kinds of visits are really nothing to worry about, I swear. Some are done by the FBI, others are done by govt contractors working on behalf of the Office of Personnel Management.

    Jill is a contractor, and her job is to do background investigations for people who need security clearances for their jobs, and they have to get confirmation of past residences for X# of years, including from people who weren’t listed by the subject of the investigation.

    Knocking on the doors of their neighbors is pretty much how that works.

    And if the investigators can’t get the confirmations, it can delay or even prevent the person from getting the clearance they need for their job.

    And in case any of your readers ever need a background check — the key to passing them is to tell the full and complete truth about anything “naughty” you may have done. The govts biggest concern isn’t whether you smoked dope a few times in college or are a lesbian “legally single” mother — it’s whether or not any of these things could be used to blackmail you.

  6. Next time someone you don’t know comes to your door, squirt ’em.

  7. maybe these are the screening steps to make way for the champion of ALL doorbell ringers: Ed McMahon!!

  8. He he. M. and I have a friend who put us down as references for a security background check with the military. We’re waiting for the MIB to knock on the door any day now. I don’t think I’ll be waving my boob at them, though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: