Posted by: thiscait | September 3, 2006


First of all, if you haven’t already, go give some virtual hugs to Bri and Wes. They are writing about it more eloquently than I ever could, but no matter how you say it, miscarriages. just. suck. Our hearts are with you.


Closer to home, we had the first of our post-placement visits today. Yes, post-placement. New requirement. Another $1000. Yippee. It was fine. We got to brag about how wonderful Natalie is and how much fun we’re having with her. The crap came at the end, when the social worker said that the three visits have to be two months apart each. Natalie will be 6 months old in October, at which point we thought our waiting period would be over. Apparently it just got extended by 4 months. To make things even better, the judge continues to change things almost daily. Several people we know who have done homestudies with private agencies have had to entirely redo them with DC Social Services because this judge has declared it necessary. (Of course this all happened after we had paid for our private agency) Our lawyer is now starting to think that maybe the judge *is* homophobic. And yes, this judge is the only option. So far she’s granted the adoptions in the end, but I (of course) worry that the day will come when she won’t. And that that day will just happen to be the one on which we schedule our hearing.

Oh, and that little thing with the IRS? Jen got another letter from them saying that she’s OK with the first time homebuyers tax credit but that she owes quite a bit because she claimed the interest on the house and (duh) there are two names on the mortgage. Basically it boils down to our taxes for the past several years being done incorrectly because we can’t file jointly and because our accountant fucked up. She’s a lesbian. And an accountant. We. pay. her. so. it. comes. out. right. We could easily fuck it up on our own for free. Oh, and she hasn’t returned Jen’s calls or responded to her fax. Nice.

To all the people out there who don’t understand why gays and lesbians want to be able to marry (um, probably none of whom read this blog, but this is my rant, dammit, and I don’t care), I say this: It is so we can lead normal lives. It is so that we can own a house together and not worry that if one of us dies the other will be homeless or have to pay inordinate sums to stay in the house. So that we can file our taxes like normal people and not have to do this stupid calculus of who “owns” what or “paid” for what when it really all came out of the joint finances of the household. So that the IRS doesn’t come after us for things we can’t defend or prove and wouldn’t have to if we were straight. So that we can have children together without being investigated. So that we can just face the normal financial challenges of having a child, rather than the extra thousands of dollars of debt from legal fees. So that when our child or our partner is sick or injured, we don’t have to fear being kept in the waiting room because we’re legally of no relation. So that we can just be normal people with families and not have to always fight so damn hard for it. And the even crappier thing is, Jen and I are lucky. We’re lucky that we get to fight and struggle for it. I recognize that. But it still sucks.



  1. come tax time, we have to pick which one of us gets the mortgage tax credit. and now we’ll have to choose which one of us gets the Malka credit.

    ugh is SO right.

  2. It’s ridiculous that you and Jen can’t just have a kid, file some pro forma paperwork (i.e., prove you and Jen have a relationship and that you’re not wanted for child abuse) and be recognized as parents. I’m so sorry.

  3. Right on, Cait, right on. I want to marry Co legally for all sorts of mushy emotional reasons, but most often it’s the practical stuff that makes me so mad.

  4. Amen!

    It sucks, it’s unfair, and it makes me feel like a crazy person to be grateful for the fact that we — and you — actually can make both mommies the legal parent of our wonderful babies.

  5. I’ve never been so disgusted in my life! The government is always nattering on about “family values”, but they’re more than willing to take food out of your baby’s mouth to have you pay taxes you shouldn’t owe in the first place except that your civil rights are being violated.

    I’m hoping your accountant was just gone for the holiday weekend and she gets back to you ASAP to help somehow.

  6. Here here! So much bullshit, so little time to rant about it.

    Ugggghhhhhh is my sentiment as well.

  7. ditto!
    we have civil unions in CT, which we did right away. many people think that’s ‘enough’ rights, so we should be happy.
    during tax time, we need to do married state tax returns, dummy separate state tax returns, dummy federal tax returns, regular federal tax returns filing separately, then we can get audited because our state and federal tax returns will have different figures, etc. aarrgghhhhh
    family values my butt!

  8. We went to a some sort of meeting last year for Domestic Partners that was all about taxes and financial paperwork. K asked the accountant-presenter about the interest deduction on the house, since it’s in both our names. Even the accountant admitted that the feds haven’t actually provided a “right” answer for how to claim it, given that we can’t file jointly!

    (There’s a bill in the California Senate now to allow DPs to file joint taxes at the state level, so we may be joining your situation next year, Holly!)

  9. It does suck. It’s stupid and ridiculous that you have to go through it. I’m still naively hoping that the day will come when you won’t have to.

  10. hmm…several accountants have told us that ONE of us should take the deductions (basically whichever one makes the most money and needs it the most). For the kid, we will alternate if necessary until the 2nd parent adoption is final to prove ‘equal investment in the parenting’. I’ve read some of the tax rules and that all looks perfectly legal to me. If not, i guess we’re all screwed!!

    Yes, we need marriage rights…but that might undermine somebody’s right to…marry their first cousin? what? i don’t know…i don’t get the logic (if there is any)

  11. Sorry. That’s kind of inadequate of a response, I know. What my sister has to consider just to create a family compared to what I had to just floors me.

  12. We’ve been seriously considering setting up residence in another state so I can adopt Charlie. Hello headache, goodbye $10-12k. Once we’ve got the cash… we’ll find a way to get it done.
    The house here is in just my name. I’ve thought about putting it jointly, but now I am so glad it’s not. Because then Charlie woudln’t have health insurance. Yep. Homeless, sick, ripped away from parents… that sounds about in line with family values to me. Glad we got it straightened out!

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