The needle is edging closer to “healthy” around these parts, for which we are grateful. We did manage to take out Jen’s mom with the virus, but she’s recovering and doesn’t seem to hate us. My dad is visiting this weekend, and as of yet is hanging tough. Natalie surprised us with another puke Friday night, but continues to seem fine during the days. So we’ll just spend our nights anxiously grabbing towels for the next little bit.
Before the stomach fun began I had actually been writing a post (in my head, of course) on a totally different health topic. Basically it was going to say that a decision has been (almost 100%) made. I will not be trying to get pregnant. I met with my therapist Monday night to talk it over and, though there are aspects of the decision that I am sad about and things that I am sure will be difficult, I am pretty OK with this choice.
Over the last several weeks, I got pretty run down. Between Natalie’s cold/ear infection, which kept her awake coughing, and some busy weekends, I wasn’t getting much sleep, and wasn’t getting the catch up time on the weekends. The week before the stomach fun I spent several days convinced that I must be coming down with something because I was just so miserably achy and tired. I finally realized, no, it was the Lyme coming back for a visit. I really have been doing so much better on the pain front since I’ve been on my latest medication. I figured I was finally getting rid of the Lyme. It appears that instead I am just keeping it in check, which will probably be my status for the rest of my life. And if I push too hard, I get painful reminders. Doesn’t bode well for weaning off the drugs and trying to get pregnant this summer.
I may want to wean off my medication anyway, just to see what happens. I hate having all these drugs and chemicals running through my body. However, I am less optimistic about my body’s ability to handle the stress of pregnancy. I could do it if I didn’t have to work. I could do it if we didn’t have a child. But not working is not an option, financially, and I don’t want to drop out of Natalie’s life because I’m too tired to be her mother. And then there’s the question of risk to the baby.
Really, the bottom line is, I couldn’t love Natalie more. I adore her with every bit of my being. Each day I am amazed at my good fortune. There is no part of me that feels disconnected because I didn’t give birth to her. The annoying, negative, self-doubting part of my brain sometimes tries to tell me that I’m not “really” her mom. But you know what? I am. My heart knows it. Natalie knows it. And the majority of my brain knows it and can wave the adoption papers in the face of the stupid part. If we have another child the way we had her, how can I feel anything but incredibly lucky?
So, Jen’s up to bat for the next round. Of course, she hasn’t even gotten her period again, so we’ve got some waiting to do, but it feels good to have made a decision. And if Jen’s body is ready, we’ll get going again in late spring/early summer. Wow.