Posted by: thiscait | March 4, 2007

A Twist of Lyme

The needle is edging closer to “healthy” around these parts, for which we are grateful. We did manage to take out Jen’s mom with the virus, but she’s recovering and doesn’t seem to hate us. My dad is visiting this weekend, and as of yet is hanging tough. Natalie surprised us with another puke Friday night, but continues to seem fine during the days. So we’ll just spend our nights anxiously grabbing towels for the next little bit.

Before the stomach fun began I had actually been writing a post (in my head, of course) on a totally different health topic. Basically it was going to say that a decision has been (almost 100%) made. I will not be trying to get pregnant. I met with my therapist Monday night to talk it over and, though there are aspects of the decision that I am sad about and things that I am sure will be difficult, I am pretty OK with this choice.

Over the last several weeks, I got pretty run down. Between Natalie’s cold/ear infection, which kept her awake coughing, and some busy weekends, I wasn’t getting much sleep, and wasn’t getting the catch up time on the weekends. The week before the stomach fun I spent several days convinced that I must be coming down with something because I was just so miserably achy and tired. I finally realized, no, it was the Lyme coming back for a visit. I really have been doing so much better on the pain front since I’ve been on my latest medication. I figured I was finally getting rid of the Lyme. It appears that instead I am just keeping it in check, which will probably be my status for the rest of my life. And if I push too hard, I get painful reminders. Doesn’t bode well for weaning off the drugs and trying to get pregnant this summer.

I may want to wean off my medication anyway, just to see what happens. I hate having all these drugs and chemicals running through my body. However, I am less optimistic about my body’s ability to handle the stress of pregnancy. I could do it if I didn’t have to work. I could do it if we didn’t have a child. But not working is not an option, financially, and I don’t want to drop out of Natalie’s life because I’m too tired to be her mother. And then there’s the question of risk to the baby.

Really, the bottom line is, I couldn’t love Natalie more. I adore her with every bit of my being. Each day I am amazed at my good fortune. There is no part of me that feels disconnected because I didn’t give birth to her. The annoying, negative, self-doubting part of my brain sometimes tries to tell me that I’m not “really” her mom. But you know what? I am. My heart knows it. Natalie knows it. And the majority of my brain knows it and can wave the adoption papers in the face of the stupid part. If we have another child the way we had her, how can I feel anything but incredibly lucky?

So, Jen’s up to bat for the next round. Of course, she hasn’t even gotten her period again, so we’ve got some waiting to do, but it feels good to have made a decision. And if Jen’s body is ready, we’ll get going again in late spring/early summer. Wow.

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Responses

  1. I am glad everyone is on the mend from the stomach bug. Yuck. I am also very sorry to hear of the Lyme flare up. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it is to live with, and the effect it has on your reproductive future. I am sure this was a heart wrenching decision, not because of loving a future child any less, but giving up the desire to be pregnant and give birth yourself. When I found out Don didn’t have sperm I saw that dream fade away for me. Obviously we had an alternative, but I remember. And I would have eventuall been fine with whatever path we needed to persue to have a child. Anyway, this is a long way of saying I am sure this is a bittersweet decision. Hugs.

    Also, Jen, WTF, no period yet? I am sooooo jealous. *sigh*

  2. Ok, wow. I can’t handle what I’ve got and you two want to have another. Whatever you are smoking, please pass my direction!

    Glad you women (and girl) are feeling better on the pukey-nasty-virus front! 🙂

  3. so glad you are all feeling better.
    thinking of you/

  4. I’m glad you are all feeling better. Cait, it sounds like a tough but healthy and nurturing decision for all concerned.

    We’ve been having “the next baby” conversations a lot at our house too, but aren’t quite ready for a blogospherical formal annoucement. 🙂

  5. Ugh. “Lesbian” is me, Liza. I hate it when the new Blogger does that.

  6. It sounds like the best decision. As if you needed my reassurance. But still. You are Nat’s mother all the way.

    And I’m so glad that you all are feeling better even though I didn’t know you were feeling sick…

    and I love the new header.

  7. Typing one handed here! But WOW and how exciting! And happ birthday, Jen!

  8. It sounds like your family’s decision is the right one for you, which is the most important thing without a doubt. You are both great moms to N and will be great moms to #2 as well. Wow, another baby just around the corner! Jen, I give you props… I can’t imagine starting up again right now with the state of my body and mind. I don’t want to be a pain, but Jen, are you prepared for the fact that N might wean herself once you get pregnant? It happened to 2 friends of mine who were dead-set on nursing through the toddler years and it really disappointed them. But then again, it all worked out just fine. (I’m really sorry if this is an out of place question right now.)

  9. I’m glad that the pukey’s are finally going away, but sorry that Lyme is showing itself again. I think most people (including myself) have no idea how persistent that disease can be. Your reasons to have Jen try again make a lot of sense, even though I’m sure that was a tough decision. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t say this, but I hope AF arrives soon so you can get started again.

    And Happy Birthday, Jen! I love the pictures.


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