Turns out I don’t know how to blog anymore. One might argue that I never did in the first place, but let’s leave my writing skill (or lack thereof) out of this. The real issue is that I don’t know how to blog about this pregnancy.
When we got pregnant with Natalie, we had just had one of the worst years of our lives. Between the loss of the first pregnancy, the discovery of the molarness and the long, long aftermath, it felt like we’d “earned” that pregnancy. I know that one doesn’t earn or not earn such things, but I guess what I mean is it felt like we’d earned the right to post unabashedly about it. It feels different this time.
Friends (online and IRL) who have been trying for years are still yearning for a baby. Of four people in our little buddy group who all got positive tests around the same time, only two are still pregnant. Having had my share of people I hated because they got pregnant so easily (or accidentally!), I don’t like being that person. Somehow it also feels different because this is our second. Like we’re greedy for wanting (and getting this far) with a second while some people are still trying for their first. I guess I’m having survivor guilt, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Because at the same time, we’re happy about this. And things are looking OK, at least for now. Today is 12 weeks. We heard a heartbeat last week. We have the nuchal on Tuesday. Jen’s body is starting to change. Natalie inadvertently outed us to some friends today (we haven’t even told her yet, but…well, apparently she’s noticed enough to clue other people in). So far, so good. It just feels wrong to be publicly happy when that could make other people feel bad. And we all know that all the good could come crashing back down around us at any time.
So I guess this is my apology, both for the lack of posting and for any pain our pregnancy has caused anyone. Here’s hoping that there’s joy coming to everyone somehow…and soon.